every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
