She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
