dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
they're like a gay fantastic four
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
