Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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