coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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