I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
