It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
