He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
