i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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