Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
