I feel like abortions should bother me more
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
