That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Enjoy the penises
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate