Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
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My ATM looks so different sober.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
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Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's rum buckets o'clock
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.