i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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