hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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