Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
