i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
