I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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