I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Found the puke drawer
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
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He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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