i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
