Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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