Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
