I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
