I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.