Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
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Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
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She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder