cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
