pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
