hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
