This is not my ceiling
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
