everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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