it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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