My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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