I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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