the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have fence marks all over my body
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
