Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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