Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
