I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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