my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
