She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
