I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it's like iHOP with fire
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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