maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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