This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
