There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
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Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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