I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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