i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
