fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
