I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Fuck me I smell like cheese
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
