Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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