He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Randomize
