alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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