i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
