Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
