Already got asked if we're dating
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
