Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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