I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
