I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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