Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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